<table><tr><th>From:</th><th>Jackie Martlin &gt; </th></tr><tr><td>Sent:</td><td>Tuesday, January 17, 2017 10:04 PM</td></tr><tr><td>To:</td><td>jeevacation@gmail.com</td></tr><tr><td>Subject:</td><td>Jackie's in south NJ, Riverhead LI, Philadelphia!</td></tr></table>

Friedman goes to Hell and he's met by the devil. The devil says, "The punishments are changed every thousand years. You have three choices." They open the door to the first room and there's a young guy strapped to a pole, being whipped. They open the door to the second room and there's a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. They open the door to the third room there's an old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a pretty blonde. Friedman says, "I'll take the third room." The devil taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, "Okay, you can stop. This guy's replacing you."

********

A guy gets in a big barroom brawl and his jaw gets smashed up so badly that they have to wire it shut, so for a few weeks he has to be fed through his butt.

After a couple days, he mumbles through the wires to the nurse, "Nurse, I can't stand it. I gotta have a cup of coffee. I gotta have a cup of coffee."

So the nurse gets a tube, sticks it up his ass, puts a funnel in the tube and pours in the coffee.

The guy starts jumping around, going "Unh! Unh!"

She says, "Is it too hot?"

He mumbles, "No! It's too sweet!"

******

## It's a New Year!

... and it's gonna be a great one! my autobiograpohy's coming out this Summer!

I told Donald Trump I got a deal to write an autobiography and he said, "Who's it about?"

when's the last time you "Used Your Finger!" and dialed (516) 922-WINE ?! still going, 37 years later ... (516-922-9463)

please tell everybody you know that to get on the list for monthly jokes, to just e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com

and remember ... you can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.

Long Island!

I hope to see you at The Historic Suffolk Theater in Riverhead 8pm, Friday January 27th, with my pal Rich Harkaway

this is where I type I love you & appreciate you, and always have ...

Jackie

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

********

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a permanent hard-on. It was fun at first, but now it constantly throbs. It's painful. You gotta help me."

The guy pulls down his pants and he's got a huge erection ... I mena, a midget could do chin-ups on this cock. The doctor takes two fingers, smacks! the guy's dick, a bug jumps off and his dick goes limp.

The guy says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. What do I owe you?"

The doctor says, "Help me find that bug and you don't owe me nothing."

*******

in the old cowboy movies, why didn't John Wayne pull the wagons into a square? then when the Indians turned the corners, they would've fallen off the horses.

*******

A guy's sitting on a train looking over at a lady with her baby.

He starts giggling and he says, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. My God, what an ugly kid. That baby looks like a monkey."

The lady starts crying uncontrollably, she's really freaking out.

She runs up to the conductor and says, "That man over there insulted me. He's so mean. I'm so upset." The conductor says, "Calm down, Ma'am, calm down. Next stop we'll jump off and get you a nice hot cup of coffee. Hey, maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

*******

8pm this Saturday, January 21st
with Tara Cannistraci
"The Levoy Theatre"
126-130 North High St.
Millville, New Jersey
(856) 327-6400
http://levoy.net/event/jokeman/

********

8pm Friday, January 27th
with Rich Harkaway
"The Suffolk Theatre"
118 East Main St.
Riverhead, New York
Box Office (631) 727-4343
http://www.suffolktheater.com/event/6b468b188af0335d1438f616fd6da07b

*******

8pm Saturday, January 28th

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

with Rich Harkaway
"The Razz Room inside
The Prince Theatre"
1412 Chestnut St.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
(215) 422-4580
princetheater.org/therrazzroom

*******

8:30pm Saturday, February 18th
"Ha! Comedy Club"
257 Market St. (1Ridge Hill Rd.)
Yonkers, New York
(914) 358-9260
www.haridgehill.com

*******

Friday 8, Saturday 8-10, March 3-4th
"Stitches Comedy Club"
Lancaster Family Resort
2270 Lincoln Highway East
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
(717) 826-3472
stitchescomedy.com

all show info on
jokeland.com

*******

Dirty Johnny's walking along with his father when he sees a butterfly. He grabs it, throws it down on the ground,and stomps! it.

His father says, "Son, that was unnecessary violence. You may not have any butter for an entire year." They walk a little further and Johnny sees a honey bee. He grabs it, throws it down on the ground, and stomps! it. His father says, "Once again, son, unnecessary violence. You may not have any honey for an entire year." That night, Johnny's sitting at dinner with his mother and father when a cockroach goes running across the table. His mother whacks! it. Johnny says, "Well, Pop, are you gonna tell her, or am I?"

What's the best and worst thing about lady midgets? Their knees smell like pussy.

*******

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

An interviewer from Better Homes & Gardens goes to a prison for the criminally insane to interview Horace Schmeeley, an inmate who's reported to be an amazing landscaper and gardener. As Horace shows her around the grounds, she's flabbergasted. Everything is immaculate. The flowers are beautiful, the grass is perfectly manicured, the trees are expertly pruned, and he's delivering a running commentary on every shrub and bush.

She can't believe it. This guy's in prison, and he's probably the most talented groundsman she's ever met, with an inexhaustable knowledge of every aspect of his field.

At the end of the tour, she says, "Horace, I'm totally impressed with your work. Not only am I going to give you a huge write-up in this month's issue, but I'm going to petition my congressman to get you released, so you can get a job on the outside. Your considerable talents shouldn't go to waste."

She turns and walks away, and when she's gone about twenty feet, a big brick comes flying and smashes! into the back of her head.

Horace yells, "You won't forget about me, will you?"

*******

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "Hello. I think I'd like to get to know you better. I'm thirty-eight years old, I've been a Congressman for ten years and I'm honest."

The girl says, "Really? Well, hello. I'm thirty years old. I've been a hooker for fifteen years and I'm a virgin."

*******

Sheila's forty years old and Jewish and her mother's freaking out that Sheila's not married, so she sends Sheila on a cruise around the world. Three months later, Sheila walks in the front door followed by a huge black man. He's naked except for a grass skirt and a shark tooth necklace, and he's got a bone through his nose. Sheila's mother says, "Oy, Sheila ... I told you to bring home a rich doctor, not a witch doctor."

Did you hear about the Polish guy who didn't know the difference between arson and incest? He set his sister on fire.

******

please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling

******

Michael and Jessica are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night and Jessica's in the bathroom. As Michael's getting undressed, he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?"

Then he throws his socks under the bed. Jessica walks out of the bathroom, and being too chicken to face her, Michael darts past her and he goes into the bathroom.

Jessica sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, "How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? How will I tell him?"

4

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

Just then Michael walks out of the bathroom.

Summoning all of her courage, Jessica runs up to him, gives him a huge, wet kiss, then pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something."

Michael says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

How can you tell if a gopher's bisexual? He digs everybody's hole.

Three guys are arguing about who has the longest dick, and they decide the only way to find out once and for all is to go to the Observation Deck of the Empire State Building and hang them over the side.

The first guy says, "Check it out. My pecker reaches down to the 68th floor." The second guy says, "That's nothing. This beauty's dangling down past the 34th floor." They look over and see the third guy jumping up and down and back and forth. The first guy yells at him, "What the hell are you doing?" He says, "Dodgin' traffic."

*******

Dirty Johnny gets a newspaper route. He knocks on a door and a lady answers wearing just a bra and panties. He says, "That's the end of the first week, Miss. That'll be collect, five dollars." She says, "Step in." He says, "All right." As he's walking in she says, "I don't have any money, but I thought maybe I could pay you in sex."

He says, "All right."

He pulls down his pants and his underpants, and yow! This kid has a cock like you write home about. A baby's arm with an apple in its fist. A huge prick. He reaches into his shirt pocket, starts pulling out huge washers and sliding them onto his dick.

She says, "What are you doing? I can take it all."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."

"There's a lot of cock here, lady."

*****

What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans? Jesus doesn't have Mexicans tattooed all over him.

*******

A guy asks a co-worker, "Are you getting any on the side?" His co-worker says, "Hey, I haven't had any in so long, I didn't even know they moved it."

*******

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

Smith and Wesson are drinking, and after a couple of hours Smith leans over and starts stroking Wesson's beard. He says, "You know, Wesson, your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Wesson reaches up, strokes his beard and says, "You know, it sure does."

*******

A guy and a girl are making out in his car. She says, "You want to get in the back seat?" He says, "Oh, no, I want to stay up here with you."

*******

A woodpecker from Texas comes up to New York. He's working on a tree, "Rat-a-tat! Rat-a-tat!" Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes the tree and splits it in half. He says, "Damn! It never fails to amaze me how hard my pecker gets when I'm away from home."

*****

Special! download! download six of my wild dirty jokes Oglio CD's only $20! plus! ... you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song" ! Jackie's 6 CD Special!

*****

A priest goes to get his hair cut.

When the barber's done, the priest goes to pay him, but the barber says, "No thanks, my friend. I couldn't take money from a man of the cloth."

The next day when the barber shows up at the barber shop, there's a dozen boxes of chocolates waiting for him with a thank you note from the priest.

That afternoon a rabbi comes in, the barber cuts his hair, and when he gets done and the rabbi goes to pay him, he says, "No thanks, my friend, I couldn't take money from a man of the cloth."

The next day when he shows up at the barber shop, there's a dozen rabbis waiting for him.

******

yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com

******

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

A guy dies and goes to heaven. He goes through the Pearly Gates and then sees two doors. One door has a huge line in front of it and the other door just has one guy in front of it.

He says to Saint Peter, "What's with the two doors?"

Saint Peter says, "Well, the door with the long line is for men who were henpecked their entire lives. The other door is for men who weren't henpecked at all."

The guy's curious, so he goes up to the guy who's standing all alone. He says, "It'ds great you're in this line." The other guy says, "Really? I wouldn't know. My wife told me to stand here."

*******

What would you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a meat grinder? Chuck.

********

Trump's two sons walking along the beach when a seagull unloads on Eric's shoulder. Don Jr. says, "You want me to get some toilet paper?" Eric says, "Nah, it's probably miles away by now."

"Father, is it a sin to have sex before communion?" "Only if you block the aisle."

********

Two nuns are in the shower. The first nun says, "Where's the soap?" The second one says, "It does, doesn't it?"

********

The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iTunes ( snart is on sale! ), and at Oglio.com

Why's a dog lift his leg to pee? It shifts his ass out of gear so he doesn't crap on his feet.

********

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST @JackieMartling

*********

What's cowgirl sex?

She gets on top and just as he's about to come she says, "Your brother's cock is much thicker," and then tries to stay on.

*****

... and huge thanks to Phil lazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy he plays me a-plenty ...

******

What do you do if you're swallowed by a whale? You run around until you get pooped out.

******

A man's been at The Wailing Wall for twenty years, and he's being interviewed.
The reporter says, "You've been praying at The Wailing Wall for twenty years?"
The man says, "Absolutely, twenty years. In the morning when I get up, I pray there should be peace in the world. In
the afternoon I pray that misery and hunger should be eliminated. And at night I pray that the Zionists and the
Palestinians should get together."
The reporter says, "Well, those are all very nice thoughts. Tell me, how does it feel?"
The man says, "It's like talking to a fucking wall."

********

please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling

*******

to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling" ...



What do you do if you want to see flying saucers? Go into an all-night diner and goose the waitresses.

*******

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

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Rosegarten drives into a tiny southern town and parks in front of the only building, that says, General Store. He gets out and walks up the porch stairs to an old guy sitting and rocking in a rocking chair. He says to the old guy, "What a God-forsaken place. What do you people do around here?" The old guy says, "We don't do nothin' but hunt 'n fuck." Rosegarten says, "What do you hunt?" The old guy says, "Somethin' to fuck."

*********

for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your finger! dial (516) 922-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial (516) 922-9463 ... ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 37 years of free jokes!

*******

for the kids:

Why do giraffes have such long necks? Because their heads are so far from their bodies.

What would you call a skeleton who won't get out of bed? Lazy bones.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.

Why'd the dog go, "Moo?" He was learning a new language.

Why do people hate to kiss vampires? Because they have bat breath.

Melvin's mother says, "Why are you crying, Melvin?" He says, "My new sneakers hurt." She looks down and says, "That's because you put them on the wrong feet." Melvin says, "But these are the only feet I have."

## It's a New Year! (cont.)

End of Kids' Section!

*******

## What's a lady?

A lady's someone who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and only curses when it slips out.

*******

A patient's running down the hospital corridor. Behind him is a nurse, chasing him with a pot of steaming hot water. The doctor on duty sees what's going on, and yells, "No, no, Nurse Upson, I told you to prick his boil."

*******

What would you call a bunch of Polish guys wearing turbans? A Pakistanleys.

*******

It's a very rainy day.

A lady midget walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch." He says, "Leap up on the table."

She gets up on the table, and in just a moment, he says, "Okay, leap down."

She says, "Doc, I feel great! What'd you do?"

He says, "I cut two inches off the tops of your galoshes."

******

What color's Donald Trump after he shits?
Clear.

A seventy-five year old guy's in the same nursing home as his ninety-seven year-old mother, it's her birthday, and he hasn't got a gift for her.

Being a thoughtful son, he goes into her room and says, "Mom, I got no present for you, so to celebrate your birthday, why don't we fuck?"

And she agrees, because it helps the joke.

They get naked, they climb on the bed and they get to it. After a few minutes of huffing and puffing, the old girl starts shitting like mad all over the bed.

He says, "Jesus Christ, Ma, what's going on?"

She says, "I'm way too old to come, and I wanted to do something to show you how much I was enjoying myself."

*****

## What's a lady? (cont.)

It's the first week of sex education and the teacher says to her fourth-grade class, "I want you to go home tonight and write down as many positions as you can think of for making love." The next day teacher says, "All right, class, who'd like to discuss last night's homework assignment?" Dirty Johnny yells from the back, "Yo, Teach, I'll give it a shot." The teacher says, "Okay, John. How many positions did you come up with for making love?" Johnny says, "Seventy-three." The teacher goes, "Uhh umm uh, very good, John. Becky? Becky, in the front. How many positions did you come up with?" Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one. Where the man gets on top of the woman." Johnny says, "Seventy-four!"

*******

## What's a hump?

A hump's a noun meaning the thing on a camel's back, unless the thing's another camel, in which case it becomes a verb.

*******

Schmidlap starts a new job and the boss tells him, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes and an annual salary of a million dollars." Schmidlap says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture. The girl's hideous. A real show-stopper. The boss says, "She's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." Schmidlap says, "Then I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "Howsabout if I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island?" Schmidlap accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, he buys an original Van Gogh and he's hanging it on the wall.

He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. Schmidlap says, "Now go and get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she fetches him nails. Schmidlap starts hammering a nail into the wall, hits his thumb and yells, "Fuck." She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

*****

## What'd the white gerbil say to the brown gerbil?

"Why's there corn in your fur?"

*****

A guy goes into a pet store and says, "My dog ran away and I need another dog."

The pet store owner says, "It's the year 200, you don't want a dog. They're too big, too much hassle. You know what you want? This toothless hamster?"

The guy says, "Why would I want a toothless hamster?"

The owner says, "Pull down your zipper and I'll show you."

The guy pulls down his zipper. The pet store owner takes the toothless hamster, puts it down by the guy's crotch,

and the hamster lunges out and gives the guy the best blow job he's ever had. The guy buys the hamster. He goes home, walks in the kitchen and sets the hamster free on the floor.

His wife sees it, screams, jumps up on a chair and says, "What's that?"

## What'd the white gerbil say to the brown gerbil? (cont.)

The guy says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it how to cook and get the fuck out."

********

A missionary's in Africa and he gets caught by cannibals.

One of the cannibals says to him, "Have good news and bad news. Good news, we not gonna eat you. Bad news, Chief want to have weenie roast."

*******

Stone and his wife go to a party on a Friday night.

Saturday morning when they wake up his wife says, "Boy, were you loaded last night. You insulted your boss for ten minutes and he fired you."

Stone says, "Fuck my boss." She says, "I did. You go back to work Monday."

*****

How many calories do you get from eating pussy? It depends which way she wipes her ass.

******

Two gay guys live together. The first guy says, "Let's play hide and seek, let's play hide and seek. I'll hide, and if you can find me, I'll blow you." The second guy says, "What if I can't find you?" He says, "I'll be behind the piano."

******

please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... glackieMartling

*******

A lady gets out of the shower, slips and falls and lands spread-eagled on the floor. She lands so hard that a vacuum's created in her pussy and she gets stuck. Her husband tries to lift her up but she won't budge. He pushes her shoulders back ... and forth ... but it's like she's glued there. He goes next door and gets the neighbor, and then both of them pull and pull, an rock her back ... and forth ... but she just won't budge.

The neighbor says, "Hey, I'll just go get my hammer and we'll bust up the tiles up around the insides of her thighs.

That'll break the suction and then we can lift her up."

The husband says, "That's a good idea. But first let me twist her nipples a little and get her aroused."

The neighbor says, "Why in hell would you do that?"

He says, "I want to get her lubed up so we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper."

*******

## What'd the white gerbil say to the brown gerbil? (cont.)

www.jokeland.com

for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-seven years of free jokes! and dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463 not a pay service, just a local call ...

******

Schneider goes to visit his friend at work, and he says, "Man, your new secretary of yours is hot. She's gorgeous." His friend says, "Yeah, and she's a robot. If you squeeze her left boob, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right boob, she dials the boss. And you can fuck her. Go ahead, take her into the closet." Schneider takes her into the closet, and in a few minutes, his friend hears, "Yoowwwchh!" His friend yells, "Oh, I forgot to tell you ... her asshole's a pencil sharpener."

******

I hope you enjoyed this month's jokes ... if you didn't, why don't you go play leapfrog with a Greek sailor ...

*****

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