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studio
C

79784 92934 0

2

N:

70 SHEETS HOJAS FEUILLES
8 IN X 10.50 IN
20.3 cm X 26.6 cm

carolinapad.com

1 Subject Notebook • Cuaderno de 1 Materia
Wide Ruled • Rayado ancho
Made In Vietnam/Hecho en Vietnam
©2011 Carolina Pad • Charlotte, NC 28241 • USA



PROUD to
80% RECYCLED

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# Connection

MAY 10, 2012

Integrity

## NTEGRITY

Integrity 
is standing up
for what
you behove in.

It is treating everyone
equally and faint
acting independent
of others that do otherwise.

IL Is being
open and hone's,
responsible for
all a( your actions.

It tsspealdrg out
when others
arc treated poorly.

It Is refusing
to participate
in actions
detrimental to others.

It is admitting
and apologizing
for your errors,
when mistakes
are made.

The image shows a street sign that reads "INTEGRITY". Below it is a partial view of another sign, possibly indicating a street name or a related concept. The surrounding text context suggests that integrity involves admitting and apologizing for errors when mistakes are made.

a

A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.

Jacqueline Bisset

It is respecting
your environment,
your fellow humans,
and your self.

Integrity
is not a characteristic,
it is
a way of life.

It is
what you do,
and what you say,
always.

It sets you
apart horn others,
It defines
you as a person.

Treat others
as you would want
to be treated.

Be upstanding,
be forthright,
be conscious
of your actaans.

Remember
to always
act
with integrity.

| Concept     | Description        |
| :---------- | :----------------- |
| Integrity   | Core concept       |
| Purpose     | Why I Exist        |
| Principles  | What I Stand for   |
| Intentions  | What I Am up to    |

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May 15, 2012

So I am told that writing each week, while I am bad at that will help me to deal with the trauma that has gotten me here I saw another girl here writing in her journal like this and she said it was to overcome her perfectionism so I decided to try it too. I don't think I like it but I am going to make the goal of writing at least twice a week, maybe more but I always say that and never do. But since its for trauma, no one has to see it. But it will be a goal to try to make a connection with one staff member and tell them everything. I wish I could say I feel like going to [REDACTED] helped since I told him but that is just more trauma...and what is being absolved mean anyway? I didn't do the bad things. At the end of my stay, I'm going to have all the staff sign this book the right way up, with the person I'm most able to talk to be first. That way all my progress from now until the end will be clear. Ugh, I hate writing in pencil but that was all I could find and now I will be like this forever for consistency. Maybe I can work on that and try to switch to pen, but I doubt it. My handwriting sucks with this pencil. I saw the other girl putting stuff we did in her book so I'm going to do the same. I'm going to try to make mine a bit neater but I think some hangouts are too big... but maybe I can cut them so they won't stick out. Okay so my first few days are past so I'm going to try to be open even though it hurts. First things first, I miss the boys so much but I know how lucky I am to have this chance. I am still in disbelief it worked and [REDACTED] was able to actually get the insurance to cover residential. She actually cried and said I needed

[ ]

[ ]

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[ ]

1) Dear ██████
If you could climb into my skin
& see yourself thru my eyes, you
would never again doubt your beauty,
your worth or whether or not you are
lovable.
Since you can not take this climb
I'll be right here- ♡ in your heart to help
you remember who you really are.

With all of my heart - I wish
you love + joy.

███████

[ ]

Home cell

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May 15, 2012

to get on the plane and go, go, go and do my best to make it count since shes never seen it approved, so I know being away from them is hard but Im hoping  won't remember me being gone. At first when I heard it was approved I thought I'd be going to Arizona but when they said  was best fit because I'm able to work with  I wanted to scream and cry because I haven't been back to Florida since my last time with Ghislaine and Jeffrey and so that was so scary and I didn't want to have a man therapist, even if he does know about  I won't be able to talk to him, even though it turns out that he is super nice and understand me. The flight wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I felt weird to be on a plane with so many other people since I was always on private planes but I think I liked it better. More safe. As a side note I don't know why people make fun of Spirit airlines because they were they only ones who were soooo nice about "accomodating autism". They made sure to seat me in the front row and had a flight attendant stay with me the entire time. All the other airlines said no, I had to have a grown up but Spirit did everything possible. The flight attendant, I wish I got her name, she could tell I was scared, so first she introduced me to the pilot and I kept looking around to make sure it wasn't one of Jeffrey's pilots that would be co-pilot but it wasn't. During the flight she would make sure I was okay and kept giving me free snacks and drinks and when I got really scared as we were getting closer She looked at fun magazines with me. I started getting really scared once we landed because I had to meet a driver and I was terrified that maybe this was a set-up and when I got off the plane I'd see Mr Juan or maybe

[ ]

"

[ ]

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[ ]

████ It's been a pleasure getting
to know you and for the
opportunity to work with you.
I wish great success and
opportunity for you on your
continued road through
recovery. You deserve happiness
and laughter, because you provide
that to those around you!

All the Best,
Counselor █████
█████

[ ]

[ ]

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-20

May 15, 2012

-even Ghislaine but the flight attendant didn't make me go alone'

She walked with me to get my things and then helped me to find the

driver and checked to make sure he knew where he was taking me. It

was soooo nice, so soft and made me feel a little better. I asked if

she would be the one to go back with me in a couple months but she

said probably not. I wish I could send her a thank you card but spirit

doesn't deserve so much hate because they did everything that all the

big planes wouldnt. The drive was super scary The man was nice but

The car was too much like Ghislaine's. Why do so many people drive BLACK

cars in Florida with windows that seem so dark. Maybe the windows are

for the sun but an entire black car with leather? In this heat? I don't

understand. And he was nice but it was hard because I was trying to

stop the memories and I started to have internal panic as I was looking

out the window because it looks so much like we were heading right

[ ]

to Jeffreys house and I really started to think id been set up and wed

soon see his stupid, gross, disgusting pink "mansion" at any time and I

dont know if I am even that close to there but the roads felt the same

because everything is so flat here. He must think Im such a snob or

breat because he would try to talk on the way, I think to try to make

me more comfortable but I couldn't manage because I was becoming more

and more convinced he was kidnapping me and I would have to face

Jeffrey again after leaving, how I did so all I could make out was

"yes" "no" "thank you" and some "uh huhs" so he probably thinks

I'm so rude. It ended up being fine but it was super hard to keep it

together. The campus is beautiful but the pool reminds me too much

of bad things so I won't be going to that. It has definitely changed

..

[ ]

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10

0

I am very sad having to say goodbye. You will be missed, but hopefully you are moving on to a rich and fulfilling life with your beautiful boys. Whenever you need a reminder remember that you are kind, wonderfully made, and special. Always remember the big picture in life and the things in life you value. Run after you values because it will always led to a more meaningful life.

Ο

Sincerely

[ ]

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May 15 2012

a lot since they filmed the documentary "Thin" so maybe they got money from that to make it so pretty. I was so relieved to know I didn't get  as my nutritionist because she is SOOOO scary. She was so mean in  and I saw her still here but she only works with patients occasionally if they're really struggling or something. I am on the blue team. I don't really understand the difference between the teams but so far I really like everyone. The staff say I am the first  patient and I'm going to teach them, too. They're so understanding and all the girls... well all but maybe two are super nice and they know I'm autistic and they all try to make me feel like I belong. I have a feeling I will become close with  because she's super nice. And  is really nice but I still wish I would have gotten a girl therapist because I know I won't be able to talk about any of this trauma. I don't like to go to the groups outside of the healing garden or the other building because I get so much panic that I think Jeffrey or Ghislaine will just pop up. I went to the art building which has 2 floors so I went to the top floor to see if I could see Maralago or the top of his gross house but I don't think I'd be able to see because all the houses around here look like the ones from the golden girls show! Why are the roofs all wonky? The forgot about the weird random downpours and thunder then sunshine again. and all the strange reptiles. No one can convince me they aren't modern dinosaurs. Well, I've written a lot so will write more soon but it's lights out so no more time. I really miss  but I know it's really important to focus on treatment.

[ ]

[ ]

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[ ]

7/18/12

██████ You have done fabulous
work & I wish you only
health & happiness. Remember
to make meals simple &
meet exchanges. I know
you can do this. Just look
at the little chipmunk I
gave you & think of me!
████████████████

[ ]

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You are a strong, beautiful, smart woman.

Thank you so much. I'm so happy I get to know you. Best friend ever.

Y.L. <3 Best roomie ever.

you are such a strong person! your personality is so beautiful and seeing you smile makes my day.

you are so friendly and so sweet and to see you smile is amazing

cutest girl ever, so nice and love the hair!

you are the most beautiful and special girl I have meet. Believe in yourself like I and so many believe in you.❤, such a

Your heart is one of the kindest I've ever known. It makes you 10x more beautiful than you physically already are.

such a beautiful, kind person + a loving mother!

You have the biggest HEART believe in yourself I honestly just love you so much. you're so sweet and always have a funny story to tell

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ee

You are amazing! I know that you are going to Do great. I'll Miss you So Much and I will miss your wonderful SMILE & your presence In this place! You're a strong & beautiful person! I'll always REMEMBER you! and I hope you the best luck and you howe to FIND ME ON FACEBOOK! and I'll talk to you and IF you need Something I'M always Here For you and you can call or writte Me whenever you want! I'll Miss you So Much! Please Keep In touch! I ❤ you:)

[ ]

MY HOTMAIL IS: 
MY FACEBOOK EMAIL IS: 
& I'M ON FACEBOOK Like :

140

[ ]

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0

CO

20

0

[ ]

The image is an illustration depicting two houses in an "imaginary neighborhood." One house is labeled "you" and the other "me." The text below states, "in my imaginary neighborhood you live right next door..."

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You are an amazing person & I am so glad that I got to know you. You are so kind and sweet and full of love and compassion. I will miss you very much! I am so proud of you. You are strong and capable of anything. I'm so excited for you and so happy you'll see your babies soon. Keep in touch! I will never forget you. You have touched my heart and I will carry you in my heart always. Stay strong!

[ ]

All my love ♡

contact info:

Simon facebook ㋡

May bday

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0

0

1

P

07

C7

May 25, 2012

I knew I wasn't going to be very good at this journaling thing since I planned to write at least twice a week and it's been 10 days! said I can't be too hard on myself because it's a big adjustment to be here. I can't do everything perfect he says but it feels wrong. I haven't been able to really speak all that much to him and I think my lack of talking and eye contact is bothersome. Next time we meet he thinks he has an idea about how to make eye contact easier but... I don't think anything will work. Today he implemented a sticker system which I LOVE! Today I got an orange glittery owl! It made me so happy even though I am sort of scared of all birds but these stickers are so cute! When he gave me it, I asked for him to put it in the fun book and sign it, which he did, and then when he gave it back to me, I like the idiot I am did happy claps and quickly realized what I was doing and he said I immediately had a change in body language and looked distant and sad and asked why something happy made me so sad and I wanted to tell him how Even being here is traumatic and that I'm so scared that Jeffrey is around every corner but then I remember the rules, I remember the promise I made but all that came out was that it was sad because someone I spent a lot of time with would do happy claps and they lived close to here but I couldn't say anything else, I'm so fucked up being down here again. But no words would come. But I told him I was writing about it and that I started to confide a bit in  and my friend  He seemed proud. I really like  but I do not like  and this other counselor who looks like a cross between  so just on looks alone I do not care for her

[ ]

[ ]

7

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Dear

I'm so sad to see you leave... you brighten my days and always make me smile. Perhaps, yes, I don't know you super well (I so wish I did), but I feel as though we're close because of the warmth and lightness I feel when you're near. Thanks for your support and gorgeous smiles. Stay strong and never change - you're sweet, beautiful (inside & out), kindhearted, down-to-earth... my list could go on and on. But what I mean to say is I feel you are all the things I wish to be. I so admire you. Take care - you deserve beauty and love in your life. You deserve recovery. Love always,

[ ]

Please keep in touch?!

call/email/FB me anytime if you need ANYTHING at all - no matter how many days, months, decades may have passed - or just to say "hi" (◡‿◡)

7

10

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May 25, 2012

plus she's so rude. She is only here every once in awhile but she gets so stupidly angry with  and I and says we are a disruption and act like we are 5 together so I won't even bother to learn her stupid name but I will never talk to her. Sorry you don't have a best friend who you can be yourself with but dont take it out of us! WTF!  and I have become the most best friends ever and she's definitely my soul sister but I know I can't really give her details of my trauma because she's so much younger chronologically than I am and I know it would be far too much. But Ive also gotten super close with  and Ive slowly started to tell her what happened with Jeffrey and Ghislaine and why night time is especially hard here. She's so sweet and just listens, even with all my weird pauses but there are times I can tell that she doesn't really think Ghislaine is very good but she doesn't want to upset me. She seems to be sooo much older than me because she seems wise beyond her years but she's also very, very sad. She has tried to kill herself several times and I think she views her  as a passive suicide so I worry all the time that Im putting too much on her. Im still not over level 0 and I may actually be at level -1 and so she stays with me in the dayroom even though she can go back to her room any time. I know talking with her is safe, so I am being somewhat successful in that goal because Ive told her many things as well as Mrs.  some things but I cannot tell her the names because shes staff and Im sure would have to tell someone and that is not something that can happen. I think I need to get more clarification with  about the rules and what staff must report, especially since Im in Florida. I want to be able to tell  every single thing but I get so worried given her past

[ ]

12

[ ]

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July 18, 2012

Beautiful

I admire your determination
& strong willingness. You worked
so hard for the past 2-3
months I've known you.
You deserve recovery, you
deserve happiness, you deserve
your life. I love you so much!
I'm so excited for you to be
back home with your kids!
Never think you're not a "good"
mom, because you are!
When you go back to the
real world, remember of all
the hard work you've ~~did~~ done!

I love you babygirl!
love, Irene ♥

FB: ████████████████████████
Phone #: ████████████████████
email: ██████████████████████████████
address: ██████████████████████████
████████████████████████

STAY STRONG

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I'm not a very good artist but just something to make you smile.

This is a drawing of two stick figures, presumably children.

*   **Figure 1:** Labeled "Braids" and "tutu". Has curly hair and a tutu.
*   **Figure 2:** Labeled "Princess / Wand". Has a ponytail, a wand with sparkles, and a tutu.

Both figures have hearts drawn around them, suggesting a theme of friendship or affection. The text "Yur baul" is near the first figure, which may be a name or a playful misspelling.

# Best friends

forever

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1
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you are such an amazing person. I LOVE your happiness, Seeing you every morning just brightens my day. And as I got to know you, I got to see your humor, honesty, and devotion. You try so hard when you set your mind to something (like getting off therapy restriction), and I admire that. Thank you for sharing your Kindness. I hope you have wonderful birthdays outside of here, because you deserve it. Your sons are growing up with an awesome and loving mom. I really appreciate you telling me about your and symptoms you have because of it. Stay strong, beautiful. And Keep shining! (: Love,

facebook.
email:

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2

[ ]

[Smiling face in a blue circle]

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10

[ ]

Wish you the best on your road to
recovery. when you leave ██████ I don't
want you to look at it as a sad moment,
but a chance to choose yourself and health
to make sure you are well for your beautiful
boys. I will miss you and I want to
wish to the best.

♡
██████

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June 5, 2012

[ ]

12

0

She asked me if I could tell her the secret of my handwriting and all I could think of was how crappy it looks in here because I started using pencil. Why can't I just use pen? Why does everything have to be uniform? I wish I could rip all these pages out and rewrite them nicely but Says I can't. Not everything has to be perfect and definitely not a book that no one will ever see. I got two more stickers in my fun book from and that makes me so proud. That sounds really pathetic... But I am learning to trust him more and more even though he's a man. I'm still terrified that Jeffrey will walk through the door at any moment but now that I've been home for almost a month, things have become routine, which I'm sooo grateful for. He's decided that we don't have to do family therapy anymore because he said he was able to see the games my birth mother plays and the time would be better spent with another individual session and I cannot even begin to express how happy I was that he was able to see beyond her fakeness and not make me have to sit through such crap anymore. She has always controlled the narrative and he was happy to give me some of that control back. He has also decided to tape a picture of a cute dog above his head and lower it each session until I'm able to

0

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1. 
2. 
3. 
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5. 
6. 
7. 
8. 
9. 
10. 
11. 
12. 
13. 
14. 
15. 
16. 
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20.

<table><tr><th>I have learned so much from you, you</th></tr><tr><td>are so smart &amp; taunted, and I will</td></tr><tr><td>never forget you. Every time I see</td></tr><tr><td>something Hello Kitty, I will smile &amp;</td></tr><tr><td>remember all of your Hello Kitty</td></tr><tr><td>Stickers, coloring pages, etc. Please take</td></tr><tr><td>care of yourself, not only for</td></tr><tr><td>yourself but for your boys too.</td></tr><tr><td>they need their mother! Remember</td></tr><tr><td>what I've told you - you could</td></tr><tr><td>make an amazing healthy role model.</td></tr><tr><td>You've learned the coping skills and the</td></tr><tr><td>information, and now 17th up to you.</td></tr><tr><td>It is always your choice in recovery,
and there is ALWAYS a choice. It is</td></tr><tr><td>never too late for the path to recovery.</td></tr><tr><td>Remember I won't give up on</td></tr><tr><td>you SO NEVER give up on yourself.</td></tr><tr><td>You deserve recovery &amp; a happy, healthy</td></tr><tr><td>life. Let your smile shine, because</td></tr><tr><td>it's beautifull ".</td></tr></table>

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[ ]

I am not aware of any opportunity

you team of

This image is not a chart. It is a greeting card with a floral design.

Key information:
*   **Design:** Yellow background with stylized flowers in pink, white, purple, and gray. Green leaves are also present.
*   **Text:** "Thinking of you..." written in cursive script.

02/4

2200

How many years of skill and/or

910 25MTH New Neve Neve at Yo2i bne, 27/10

wood unifortwoop prised my cup ymore. about 7

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[ ]

Dear

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to meet you. I am so happy that you were apart of my stay at [REDACTED]. Not only have you brought light heartedness, joy, and laughter to me but you have also shown me what motivation and success looks like as well. You are so sweet and kind and I admire your happiness and pureness you hold in your heart. Thank you for giving me laughter when I wanted to cry and joy when I was angry or sad, you made my stay here much more easy. Also I also look at your motivation & success. When I first started, especially in the Staff Dinning room, you helped me be motivated and shown me what success looks like. I am so happy for you and know you have so much strength to continue your new way of living at home for you and for [REDACTED]. They are so lucky to have you for their mother. I have learned from you not to take life so serious, share with others, and its OK to laugh even when times are tough. Thank you for being apart of my recovery. I will take a piece of you with me.

AD

9

7

9

0

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[ ]

# FREAKIN'?
FRIGGIN'?
FRICKIN'?

10

[ ]

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[ ]



Dear

You are

20

amazing and love

your

heart is so

Ling and Krist

love

yves

suite.

Thanks for being my roodie for a

few days, sure was

Jen. Reminder

that

ga

are

strong

and able to

withstand a lot. Have faith in

yourself and

you

will do amazing

things.

Please keep in touch and

thanks again for opening up to

ine

Much Love,

BE WELL!



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This image is a scanned page from a notebook with blue horizontal lines and a spiral binding on the left. There are some faint pink circles drawn on the page. The visible text on the left side of the page appears to be numbers.

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June 12, 2012

It's okay to sometimes break certain rules but I dont think that's exactly right. Today was NOT a very good day.  and her little group of friends are so MEAN!!! And then they're fake! And it's beyond triggering because I swear maybe it's a Florida thing but  is like a miniature diva,  (despite her allowing me to use her prismacolor markers) is mean and  is fake! The stupid trio. I feel like I'm trapped here with these girls, which I guess you'd expect having so many girls living together - ugh!! but it's awful!!  NEVER stops bragging about her stupid beauty pageants and that she was on TV, except she was literally just a friend on teen mom for like 30 seconds! And it's all she talks about.  is just mean and I never want to be in the room with her, prismacolors or not and I was SO wrong about  She isn't nearly as kind as I thought she was and  doesn't understand why it's so triggering and I can't tell him.  reminds me so much of  but not as bad. At least shes teaching me how to write things in Japanese rather than teaching me how to do grown up things. Today she taught me → サモージ - which looks like nothing but she says it says Snorlax, but how do I even check? Ha, maybe it's a bad word but she says it isn't. She has these super thin pens to do her homework in and I love them. She trusted me with the secret she felt she needed to confess and YIKES! She told me she has a problem with pathological lying and asked how I felt about that. WTF?!?! I didn't know what to say because I cannot lie but I didn't want her to feel bad so it was an impossible situation. I just

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[ ]

♡

████ Good gracious, i don't even know
where to start. I think honestly that you
are one of the most beautiful people
i've ever met in my life. You're so
loving, and so genuine. Everything about
you is stunning. Seeing your smile is
the hilight of my days around here. I
think your strength is never ending
as well. I don't know your story, but
i know what ever it may be that
you went through wasn't easy, and just
Knowing that you made it to this
very day alone, shows how friggin'
strong you are. Not to mention, we're
both blonde & buddhist :) That's pretty
awesome if you ask me! just know
that whatever your doing, whatever
is wrong, however you're feeling, or
if you just want to tell me something
funny, CALL/TEXT/FACEBOOK me at any
time. I do not want to lose contact
with you. You're so special to me.
I adore you ██████. ♡
Love, ████████
████████████ (facebook)
██████████████████████ ) use any/all
that you
desire. :)

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June 12, 2012

7

2

3

D

sort of smiled and said if she ever wants to talk about it more that
 I was here to listen but now that I think about everything, how do you know when she's telling the truth and when it's a lie? She says she lost tons of people in the earthquake in Japan but now I'm like wondering if that's true. I've never met someone who has that but I think Jon will be proud of how I handled it. He asked me today if I'd been writing about my trauma but I haven't really so I decided I would do that tonight since they've been noticing an increase in PTSD episodes and stimming. I know it's because of the new trio that has formed. I talked to  this evening and I pretty much told her everything except for the  I can't write the other word and she seemed to upset by everything that I felt it was something that didn't need to be said. I know she is safe but she kept asking me if I understood that nothing that Ghislaine did was "normal in any family setting" but I tried to explain to her that she didn't understand.
 I have a feeling that she doesn't believe that Ghislaine didn't know about anyone else but Jeffrey. She would try to speak really gently and calmly that it doesn't make sense for her to be so close and to not know, especially since so many men were up from the city and the fact that I met her and Jeffrey up near the city but I started getting really, really super distressed and thank goodness  was there and started to count my fingers because I couldn't breathe. I genuinely felt I was dying of a heart attack (which the nurse said it was a panic attack and not a heart-

[ ]

[ ]

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[ ]

7/16/2012

This is Sarah, the girl you said had pretty hair and eyes. You have a beautiful soul and a gracious heart I haven't known you long but I can tell you are intelligent.

I hope you recover well and take care of your babies! I hope one day I can have some! I know you make an excellent mother and are a genuine person and you have made such an impact on my life!

I love you much and wish you the best!

0

Facebook: 
Address if you want to send a letter:

Take Care
and
Stay Strong

.

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June 12, 2012

7)

20)

20

7)

9)

7)

(7)

17)

(7)

2021

137

W)

10

(5)

CO

= 0

[ ]

many  out there. If Ive only met one in my entire life then it has to be a rare thing I think... I hope. I told her that I would consider telling  who has officially become my most favorite counselor here. But I told her I may not be able to tell her names because of my promise and how I think even  would have to tell. She was super proud of me but now Im worried she's okay. Maybe I should have staff go check on her just in case since she gets to be upstairs. At this point because  is still "new" to much of the staff, Im certain I will NEVER get to be upstairs or even get off level 0! Thank goodness for  because she and  both stay in the dayroom with me, especially if  isn't around. Everyone calls  and I "the twins" now since we get ready together every morning and do our hair exactly alike and try to match our outfits together. We listen to LMFAO "sexy and I know it" every single morning and have a dance party! It is the best thing in the world and to think one day mornings wont be like this anymore sort of hurts my heart. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle! Yeah Yeah!! Often times other girls will hear and come in and join and its so much fun but weve all gotten into trouble for not being to breakfast on time. Which I forgot! OMG! So because of my  they were letting   Are you freaking kidding me. So obviously I could tell because of my clothes that I was  so they transferred me to  The one that has a single look that could probably kill you and I was like OFC this would happen because I wrote about how glad I was that I didn't have to work with her and now I do! But it turns out I have

[ ]

[ ]

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[ ]

I'm going to miss you so much gir

You

are strong and you got this ♡

Facebook  yes  no

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June 12, 2012

nothing to even worry about because she's sooo super cool". At first I was so scared when I heard the news and when I had to meet with her she could tell I was scared and she goes "You saw the didn't you? That's why you're so nervous?" And that made me more scared because she reminds me of and she has the female version accent of Jeffrey so I'm just a mess and nodded and she said in such a funny way "Do you know how many hours of footage they shot? And then they edited it down to the clips and made me look like such a bitch! But I promise I'm nice!" and we both laughed and laughed. I REALLY like her! And she understands me and she's making adjustments to my meal plan so that the
but I can't focus on the number and I'm still not allowed to see and I have to just trust her. Does she have ANY idea how hard that is for me? I can't just trust her but what other choice do I have? had the same idea about maybe writing out a list or timeline of my trauma just to myself and then maybe once I'm able to share then it will be kept safe until that time. I think I will try to do that but there isn't the time tonight. I called wasnt very interested in talking and was too busy with some cartoon and seemed busy. I miss them so much it sometimes hurts and despite set backs with trauma I think I'm making progress with everything else! Well, except this stupid penal

This image is not a chart. It is a page from a spiral-bound notebook with horizontal blue lines. There are three pink circles scattered on the right side of the page. A black rectangular shape is visible in the upper right quadrant of the image. The left edge of the page shows the spiral binding and punched holes.

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L

Contact Information:

Thanks for the most
awesome ORANGE pen!
I ♥ orange!!

6

"

2

██████ Wow! You are such an amazing person! I'm so happy, that I had the
pleasure of getting to know you! Kristy, remember you are a very
strong, genuine, intelligent young lady! Keep up all the very hard
work! RemEmber, God LOVES you and so do I. Keep in touch &
take care! You can search for me on Facebook by my first & last name
as shown above!

D

Love always,
████████████

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The





Connection

## Responsibility and Accountability

June 141h, 2012

"Oh Wretched/Beautiful Soul of Mine" by

Oh wretched soul of mine Why do you long for death? I've followed you for years and you've enslaved each numbing breath

This journey's been so long and I am crippled by my tears Where can I turn for freedom When bondage has consumed my years?

Oh wretched soul of mine Don't you know that life's to live? No longer will I bow down to you My heart no longer will I give

You used to be so beautiful and had passion, love, and hope But this disease took you for ransom and promised an easier way to cope

Oh wretched soul of mine I'm taking back all the control Your empty words disgust me and I've found a new woy to become whole

I don't have to use my body to substitute each spoken word My voice will be my power One that will demand to be heard

Oh wretched soul of mine Your darkness is at its' end I've embodied new identity Light and truth I now befriend

Your time is running short

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[[START OF PAGE 38]]

- **Text:** "It's Just Me"
- **Subject:** A watercolor illustration of a dog sitting and looking at a butterfly.
- **Entities:** Dog, Butterfly.
- **Style:** Watercolor.

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[ ]

,

You are such a strong, beautiful person.
You are an inspiration to me and I feel so very fortun
ate to have met you. As you continue on your
journey through recovery I wish you the very
best. Although I haven't known you long, I
want you to know that you have made a
difference in my life and I won't ever forget
you and your courage.

Your friend
██████████

[ ]

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I love

June 24, 2012

A

The last few weeks have been awful!! I know its only really been like 12 days but what a 12 days it has been. So, that lady who I REFUSE to even bother asking her name is awful and she just hates [REDACTED] and I, especially together. I was wrong, she isn't a mix of [REDACTED] she's a mix of [REDACTED] and a slightly more nice version of [REDACTED] That's probably so wrong to even compare but she's so mean and just like angry. WTF is her problem. So, it first started when we were doing some art project in the dayroom that she was supervising. I can already tell by her stupid face and boxed blonde hair that its going to be bad for [REDACTED] and I and pretty much immediately she yells that [REDACTED] and I are "sitting too close together" and had us separate. So then [REDACTED] said "aww don't separate the twins" and for whatever that triggers her SOOOOO much and she's screaming to stop calling us the twins and everyone is just sitting there in shock WTF lady? So I start to have the most inappropriate reaction which is typical with [REDACTED] (something she's obviously too dumb to know a single thing about because she's too selfish and self centered to even learn the basics and I guess. She's fine with being an immoral, self centered, horrible person but you do you I guess) but I started laughing hysterically which made everyone else laugh and she screams at the top of her lungs "ENOUGH!" So everyone stops laughing and we continued our art. Well, [REDACTED] rolled

1

[ ]

[ ]

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Hey

It was a great pleasure to have you here at [REDACTED] I hope when you leave here, you'll be able to stay focus and healthy, prioritize and keep your eyes on what's important like your kids. Stay positive and remember that you are beautiful and worth it!!! When life gets rough find positive things that will help you bounce back!! Don't let me see you here again, unless it's for a reunion...LOL or on the street!
—Ruth M.

4

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June 24, 2012,

Hillary came and she talked to me but she said to not worry about it, she just had an impression from report that we were very rowdy together. So then that evening she was still there and when she walked into the dayroom she immediately sees that  and I were snuggled up in a big blanket and yells at us to "stop using the same blanket" and move to different couches. WTF! So, I move to the couch with  and  starts to snuggle with me as a joke and this lady says NOTHING even though she was looking at both of us. So clearly she just doesn't like  nor me, together or separate. I really do NOT like her and think any sort of therapy place is NOT a good fit for her, or maybe she needs to see someone about being such a miserable, angry, bitter lady. That can't be healthy to just be so angry and mean all the time. GA-ROSS. And then a few days later it was family weekend and obviously I'm not going to have visitors, but they had called me down because  family had a gift for me. As I am walking down the hallway, I hear a voice and I would have sworn on anything that it was Jeffrey. It sounded IDENTICAL to him and I was just devastated because I was certain he'd found me and I was going to have to pay for what I did so I just completely freeze and don't move while frantically searching for somewhere to hide. I quickly turn right instead of going to see what they said was

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[ ]

I WISH YOU A LONG AND HEALTHY RECOVERY. REMEMBER
ALL THE GREAT TOOLS YOU HAVE LEARNED HERE, AND DON'T
FORGET TO USE THEM!! THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME SO MUCH
ABOUT ████, I WILL TRY MY HARDEST TO KEEP LEARNING.
BE STRONG AND STAY FOCUSED!!
ALL THE BEST!
<signature>

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June 24, 2012

family but I was convinced it was to meet Jeffrey so I tucked myself in so tight under the table, cover my ears and the voice just continues. The next thing I know I have staff and other girls who didnt have family surrounding me and I had cold ice in my hand. I was searching desperately for Miss Erin but she wasn't there and Ms. Morgan was trying to convince me that it was safe to come out but I wouldn't until  finally came. Everyone was just staring at me and it was so embarrassing and I asked  what happened but she said that it wasn't important to talk about. I remembered I was suppose to go see  so I asked  to walk me to the door and it was a PARENT with the same accent. I wanted to just scream. I was very quickly okay though because  family bought me the most lovely Stuffed animal giraffe that plays a lullaby and he moves his head! ) was so happy and humbled they would think to get me something so nice that I loved. So that was a positive that happened and I have him right next to me and I never, ever want to let him go. I talked more with  and told her about the terminations and she cried and I wasn't sure how to handle that because I wasn't sure if she was mad at me or sad but I hugged her and she hugged back so tight. I don't think that helped me though. They say getting things out will help but that part only made me feel like a monster. My birthday is coming up and everyone is preparing! They've never

[ ]

[ ]

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███ Beautiful ███. You are one remarkable
human bein. I have never met anyone with as much
Love and compashion as you. When you smile it not
only makes my day, but fills my heart. Your
compasity to learn and take in the knowledge
your experiences that you have bein threw are
what make you who you are today. You are
a Strong, Inspiring woman that gives me
more & more hope to suceed in whatever
I Put my heart to. Just getting to know
you, as a person and what you have
gone threw reasures me to strive for
whatever I will put my heart to. As you
can see I'v changed colors :). He He
anywase I just want to say you
mean so much to me, and I truley
believe you will succeed in whatever
life brings you. I Love you Inside and
out. XOXOXO your's truley
██████████

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Wishing
You

The image is an illustration of a smiling sun peeking out from behind a smiling cloud. This is a visual representation associated with the phrase "Wishing You a sunny day."

a sunny day,

a cheerful heart...

C

8

60

60

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[ ]

My beautiful

I'll never be able to find the words to express how much you mean to me. I feel like I've known you for years and years—you're my sister, my best friend. I don't ever want you out of my life and I will do everything in my power to ensure that won't happen.

You are such a beautiful person in every way and I will miss you more than you know. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, my darling, and you can overcome your struggles if you put in the effort.

I'm so excited to become a part of your life—to visit you in  to meet your kids, to have disney adventures. This is just the beginning of a strong and lasting friendship.

I love you, always and always.

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July 6, 2012

<table><tr><th>My birthday has come and went and I think this has been</th></tr><tr><td>the best birthday ever! I got to talk to these boys of mine and</td></tr><tr><td>I miss them so much. Jon Reminds me all the time though that</td></tr><tr><td>I can't go into the Real world with unrealistic ideas and says</td></tr><tr><td>I have to pemember the Reality that comes with two little boys.</td></tr><tr><td>and that it isn't easy and not always fun even when I've missed</td></tr><tr><td>them. It's better to be prepared for the stress, which I do always</td></tr><tr><td>keep in mind. The nurses allowed me to be the last one to wake</td></tr><tr><td>up and when they came to wake me up for vitals, they sang</td></tr><tr><td>happy birthday and gave me cards! EVERYONE WORe Rainbow</td></tr><tr><td>and I wore a Rainbow tutu! At every meal they did happy.</td></tr><tr><td>birthday and when I went to the dayRoom it was the most</td></tr><tr><td>AMAZING Scene! Everyone come together after lights out and</td></tr><tr><td>decorated the dayRoom for me! And everyone gave me cards</td></tr><tr><td>and even gifts! I didn't have any words' I had to use my</td></tr><tr><td>last not book to be able to put everything in. It was magical</td></tr><tr><td>and something I'll never, ever forget. AND I DID IT! I mode</td></tr><tr><td>intentional eye contact! UGH! H doesn't have to be</td></tr><tr><td>perfect! But Soooo annoyed. I need to slow down. I made my</td></tr><tr><td>Fiest intentionally eye contact and so many people sow and cried.</td></tr><tr><td>And Poor Jon was so upset because it wasn't with him despite the</td></tr><tr><td>many weeks of the dog card, but it was with Miss Crin, after I</td></tr><tr><td>had an absolute melt down over the meal Room being changed.</td></tr></table>

D

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[ ]

I'm going to miss you so much you truly made this 5weeks go fast for me, love it how your always so happy, & dont for get ya always put a Smile on my face, I dont want you to lose hope Just remember how far you have Come, from my first week I was here when you were in the Staff dinning room till now on your birthday & your out eating with everyone else, Dont give up faith I know you can do it just think of your boys so Happy Claps for you

Facebook

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# i just want to tell you... I love you! Best friends forever!

Tô

72

12

45

to

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Wow! Being here with you at [REDACTED] has been an awesome journey. You are such a sweet woman and I admire your fun personality and great sense of humor. Being suite mates with you was such a joy. Thank you for teaching me to speak gibberish I love it :). Also, thank you for being such a positive role model and ray of sunshine. You are amazing and will accomplish great things. Stay strong and fight through to the end. You Rock!

3

3.

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Love,

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July 7, 2012.

D

<table><tr><th>I wanted to end yesterday, happy, as I didn't want to.</th></tr><tr><td>Puin the magic of my birthday, I've been having staff</td></tr><tr><td>Sign this book in the Reverse order because I'm not sure</td></tr><tr><td>when my last day will be. To think my time here will be</td></tr><tr><td>ending soon is bittersweet. I am so excited to get home and</td></tr><tr><td>see the bogs and Jen but I will miss everyone here so much.</td></tr><tr><td>Miss eRin gave me her beautiful bracelet and I don't think</td></tr><tr><td>I'll ever take it off She's the best and promised we would stay.</td></tr><tr><td>in touch. I made her promise until log years old and we</td></tr><tr><td>Pinky swore. I met my goal of connecting with a staff.</td></tr><tr><td>member and I told her everything. She is safe and I know it</td></tr><tr><td>will be safe with her. She said as long as I'm wearing her</td></tr><tr><td>bracelet. I am safe to now write the trauma in here. I</td></tr><tr><td>don't need to be detailed but for me to process and understand.</td></tr><tr><td>She doesn't think I have a full undrestanding and thinks</td></tr><tr><td>one day I'll need and want to process it with a grown up</td></tr><tr><td>when and if I am ready but she wouldn't explain the things</td></tr><tr><td>She felt I didn't understand. I promised I would do that as</td></tr><tr><td>soon as she left and so I know I must do it before she gets</td></tr><tr><td>back for lights out. I'm not sure how to do this but I'll do</td></tr><tr><td>my best and if I did it wrong I'm sure she'll say something.</td></tr></table>

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Don't ever give up! You are so much stronger than you think you are. Whenever you are upset and don't feel like you can talk to someone, remember what I would tell you! Remember to hold on to one of your stuffed animals, like your bear, color a picture, work on your journal, listen to music, or even write a note to me expressing all of your feelings. You are a beautiful person both inside and out. Let your smile shine, but don't ever feel like you have to pretend everything is OK. You have a great support system around you. And don't be afraid to trust other staff members; sometimes they'll surprise you! I will see you soon before you know it. Have an absolutely wonderful birthday!! :*

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July 7, 2012

How in the hell am I suppose to have "radical acceptance" of these things? It's a horror story that I survived. Why was I allowed to survive? Am I a monster? I wish Miss Erin would hurry up and come back because I dont know how to radically accept the unacceptable. I dont know if Ghislaine should be in there.  and Miss Erin thinks so, Carrie thinks so but what am I missing? Why wont Miss Erin say? I'm going to ask as soon as she returns. I don't want to radically accept, I want to know why. What could I possibly learn from this? A priest! I planned that out so well. He couldnt talk or tell. He is supposed to be good. Why? I need to go find Miss Erin and ask for medication.

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[ ]

Dearest █████

It's hard to even know where to begin! You are such a kind,
caring person, and I am so grateful to be your friend!
You are so positive and you always make me smile!
I am so amazed by how strong you have been throughout
this process. You have handled even some of the most
alarming circumstances SO incredibly well! I am truly proud
of how hard you work every day and how determined
you have been since day one. I hope that one
day you can see how WONDERFUL you are. I absolutely
adore you, and know your boys are lucky to have
such an amazing mom. I know the journey hasn't
be so easy thus far, but I have so much hope for
your future! We are learning how to let go of
Self-destruction and find the freedom to LIVE. And
that is my prayer for you, that you will truly know
how WORTHY, VALUED, LOVED, & TREASURED you are.
You are a gift to this world, my friend, you must
start believing that to be true. I love you dearly, and
hope we will continue to remain friends & be there for
each other outside of ██████ because our goodbyes from
here are NOT an end... rather they are just the beginning of
the rest of our lives. Please be good to yourself. I care about
you too much to watch you / let you continue to hurt yourself.
It's time you start giving yourself the same care you
so graciously give to others

With Love

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July 8, 2012

[ ]

I have been so messed up but everyone has been doing everything possible to cheer me up.  is gone. So many people being discharged and I don't want to leave any time soon. I don't feel ready. I mean I do with eating, I won't put my recovery in danger but I can't radically accept. Jon and Miss Erin assured me theyd find a team back home to help me but do I even deserve help unraveling all of that? I feel so stressed out and overwhelmed and I have so many questions. No one is safe outside of here so how will I ever understand if I have to keep the promise. Miss Erin says that was a bad promise but its all so confusing I dont think I will write more, I think Ive fulfilled the assignment and wont have time once I return home and have to go back to school, work and having the boys. The rest of my time I want to spend with all the amazing people here, both staff and patients who I will miss beyond words. Ive learned so much here and I will forever be grateful. My last goal will be to have miss Erin come to VA to be my counselor! Well, I can only hope. I know this seems sad but Im actually hopeful. I do have hope. Ive learned SOME grown ups are safe, good, and moral, but you have to

it

[ ]

[ ]



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My Amazing ██████,
You have touched my life in
so many ways. You never cease
to amaze me! You are the sweetest,
smartest, most intelligent, and
most beautiful █████████ girl(woman)
I have EVER met. You have such a
passion for life that inspires
me each and everyday. I can't
help but smile when I see you
and when I'm with you because
you make me so happy. I feel
so blessed and lucky to have
met you. You are so dear to my
heart and truly are an angel
in my life! I believe in you with
ALL MY HEART and I know you
can do this. I hope & pray we will
always keep in touch. Please promise
me that you will always keep
fighting and NEVER EVER give up.
I will Always be here for you NO
MATTER WHAT. I love and adore
you so very much!
♡ Always, ███████
███████████████████████
Emory, TX 75440 email: ████████████
Cell # ███████████ @aol.com

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Words cannot express how much you have touched my life. You are absolutely beautiful inside and out. It hurts my heart when you tell me stories of things that have happened to you in the past. Please know that I find you to be incredibly bright and articulate. You are truly an amazing person. I really hope we can stay in touch one I leave. Try to keep in mind that your past, while it IS a part of you; it is not YOU. You have the ability to do anything. I believe you will change the lives of so many people. I'm glad we got to be roommates, even though it was just for a couple of nights. I'm sad I'll miss your birthday, but I will be thinking about you all day and your rainbow dress. You make me smile even just thinking about you! You are my sunshine, and I'll never forget the kindness and love you've shown me. Thank you.

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IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY! ITTY ELLO

<table><tr><th>The most destructive habit...</th><th>Worry IT'S A</th></tr><tr><td>The greatest joy...</td><td>Giving</td></tr><tr><td>The greatest loss...</td><td>Self-respect</td></tr><tr><td>The most satisfying work...</td><td>Helping others</td></tr><tr><td>The ugliest personality trait...</td><td>Selfishness</td></tr><tr><td>The greatest cure...</td><td>Encouragement</td></tr><tr><td>The greatest problem to overcome...</td><td>Fear</td></tr><tr><td>The most effective sleeping pill...</td><td>Peace of mind</td></tr><tr><td>The most crippling failure...</td><td>Excuses</td></tr><tr><td>The most powerful force...</td><td>Love</td></tr><tr><td>The worst thing to be without...</td><td>Hope</td></tr><tr><td>The deadliest weapon...</td><td>The tongue</td></tr><tr><td>The two most power-filled words...</td><td>"I can"</td></tr><tr><td>The greatest asset...</td><td>Faith</td></tr><tr><td>The most worthless emotion...</td><td>Self-pity.</td></tr><tr><td>The most beautiful attire...</td><td>Smile</td></tr><tr><td>The most prized possession...</td><td>Integrity.</td></tr><tr><td>The most contagious spirit...</td><td>Enthusiasm</td></tr></table>

CLJ

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██████
You are so beautiful, I admire your strength,
courage and dedication. You are truly an inspiration to
me. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
You deserve the best life has to offer. I am so proud
of you :) I feel so lucky to have met you and
you will always hold a special place in my heart <3
Never give up and reach for the stars.
With love,

The

facebook:

email:

address?

Charlotte, NC 28210

19

10

May love + laughter light your days,
and warm your heart + home.
May good + faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace + plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons bring
the best to you + yours!

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The image is a card with the text "One great big hug." in a whimsical font. It features an illustration of a smiling, fluffy brown bear with its arms crossed in front of its chest, as if offering a hug. The background of the card is a textured, light brown paper with scattered flecks of color.

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[ ]

100054

██████
Ur the sweetest person
I ever met you are so cute
& I love your pink clothes
hair & accessories you are
absolutely adorable Im
so glad I'm met you & that
you liked my Hello Kitty &
Girafe picture & I know
you weren't laughing at me
in group, ███████ farts are
Funny LOL
██████████████████████
email: ███████████████████
Call █████████████

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I wrote
because

# matches the pretty

in your hair. I really

I chose a late time to get to know you because I have to leave soon, but at least we have a week left! I don't know much about your past but I know we've been in similar situations. I want to help you so you can stop hurting yourself because I know how deep your pain runs. I struggle with similar issues but together we can overcome them. You are such a

beautiful woman! Don't you ever forget that and don't ever

let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm always

here if you need to talk.

I ♥ Yoooooo!!!

always

[x]

1

CP

6

F

C

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[ ]

██████ You are so beautiful! I hope
you realize that every single day.
I have so much faith in you, because
you have so much you can give to
this world, and to your family! You're
so smart, and such a sweetheart, and
I hope for nothing but the best
for you! Please keep going strong ♡
     ██████████████
  ████████████████████████
Find me on Facebook!

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A greeting card with a floral pattern in pink, yellow, white, and gray, and the text "Thinking of you...".

[ ]

[x]

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[ ]

Dear Miss

Thank you so much for all your words and for teaching me how to work with someone I have had a truly wonderful time getting to know you. I hope you learn to see the beauty within yourself, for you are an absolutely lovely person inside and out. I hope you continue working to keep yourself safe and healthy. I know you have the strength to grow, you only need to let yourself blossom. I will remember you forever, until I am 103 (and maybe even a little longer after that).

Sincerest Wishes for a Beautiful Future,

Maya

and Bodda

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[ ]

Princess

I think you are awesome.

Jya

D

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Dear

I don't even know where to start!
I love you so much and I love listing
to your wonderful storries. You Are just
a really Enjoyable Person to be Around,
whenever I'm sad I just go and
talk to you and you make me smile :)
I love hearing about your boys they seem
So cool just like their momma ♡ I
love coloring with you to! And I
love how much you love Hello Kitty!
You Are So Sweet and Kind and
I love you!

Love,
██████ ♡

[ ]

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"Sometimes you hate the things that are
happening to you, when actually, God
is adding to them lots of blessings
and good that are beyond your
perception and imagination."
♡ You!
☆ You are a shinning star!

[x]

1
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2019

A hand-drawn blue ink sketch on lined paper depicts a stylized flower with four prominent petals and a central circular pistil. Below the flower, there are smaller, clustered floral shapes and a few simple green shoots.

## th Preatty Cady!

1

I Just want to tell you how wonderfully special
you are to me. You have made my day so many times
without even trying. You are so beautiful, caring,
lively, sweet, and lovely. You radiate happyness.
I know you have been struggeling, but you have
done wonderfully intreatment. know that I always
and forever here for you no matter what. keep
up the good job you have portrayed.
I love you so very much.

xoxo,
█████████████████

facebook- ███████████████
email- ████████████████████
# - ███████████████

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Whenever I'm going through a tough time, I try meditating.

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You are so special and I am so glad I get to

I know you. Although it may be difficult

at times to go through recovery... it is

something that will make us stronger. You

well win this battle. Never give up!..

need you very much! Keep

up the good work. Good luck with everything.

Louyako,

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█ my love,
I love you so unbelievably much!
You've brightened my days so much.
I always enjoy talking to you and
hearing about your sons. You're so smart
and strong. Keep pushing through, love.
I know you can do this. Keep that
beautiful smile on your face, babe.
You're seriously so cute and I love
your obsession with Hello Kitty.
I would really love to see you outside
of here. Please keep in touch and
text me once you get out of here!
Love
████████████████
████         ████████
████████████████
Sebastian, Fl. 32958

I LOVE YOU
█████████████████████████████████

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June 1, 2012

I want you to know how special and beautiful you are to me. Every day Seeing you smile puts a smile on my face. Im so blessed to have gotten the Chance to get to know you and get the chance to become close to you. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I love you so much. Always love yourself and always believe in yourself. You deserve it.

●

lets make a promise to one another to always keep intouch.

Facebook:

Address:

Weston, FL 33327

#:

ylo

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I want you to always remember what a very
special person you are. No matter what anybody
has told you in the past or will tell you in the
future, you are beautiful, smart, funny, caring,
and have an absolutely amazing spirit! I want
to thank you because I have truly learned so much
from you not only about Autism but also about
really connecting with someone. Also, you have
given me the most beautiful piece of art ever.
It really means so much to me ██████ because
it represents my work and makes me feel like
I have made an impact on someone's life,
which means more to me than I can even
describe. I can't wait to see it in the calendar!
I don't want you to give up █████! You deserve
to live a wonderful, happy life with your adorable
little boys and they deserve an amazing and
healthy mom to always be there for them!
Be good! Take care of yourself! And no more owies! :)
I don't want to have to worry about you!
♥ Miss
Erin

"Stand tall, stand proud.
Know that you are unique and magnificent.
You do not need the approval of others."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

10

0

20

700

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documents/vol00012-efta02731260-pdf.pdf
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